Guest MommaPlay Writer: Irina Gyulumyan

"bad parent"

I experienced my first “I am not such a good mom” moment crossing the street in San Francisco when stroller’s wheel got caught on something and stroller fell to the side with the baby in it. Don’t worry, nothing happened to the baby but at that moment, the whole world stopped. I remember getting everything back together when I noticed that no one was moving, all the eyes were on me. I could hear their thoughts “She should have been more aware”, “I can’t believe she did that, poor kid”, “What’s wrong with her? Why is she not paying attention?” etc. I blushed and continued my way home feeling guilty that my baby had to kiss the asphalt in the middle of the street in front of many people.
We live in a society where we love labeling everything, from products, foods, government, events, weather and people including our children. Everything has a value on it, it’s either good or it’s bad. As we communicate with others, our conversations are based on placing value on things. I didn’t like this driver, I really enjoy the weather etc and we are not shy to place our judgments on people. Just look at the tabloids and magazines talking about celebrities, our nation thrives on judgment. It brings me to the topic of this article, being a bad mother. After all being a “bad” mother is the worst crime you can commit.

Over the years I witnessed many mothers feeling guilty, having the feeling of "being a bad mother" and questioning themselves if they are doing the "right" thing or not.I remember growing up I was always taught that being a mother is the most responsible and serious job of all. When you are a mother, there is no room for mistakes, no space for failure.You have to be ON at all times; don’t even bother to think about yourself and try to have fun. I was taught that when you have a baby, you no longer matter and you are expected to do everything perfectly. As our family, culture and society places the expectations upon us as parents, often we feel compelled to meet these unreasonable demands and expectations to be the perfect parent and we struggle. The game changes from having fun and enjoying the space of motherhood to a challenge. It’s not unusual to hear how hard being a parent is. I hear moms and dads talk about how hard it is to be a parent all the time at the playgrounds. Being a mommy turns into effort and becomes hard work. Rather then BEING, we are DOING. We try to fit in within the cultural and social demands and expectations; our babies must behave at all times, they are not allowed to be loud, they are supposed to share their toys, no tantrums (especially in the public); we have to make sure they don’t get dirty and the list goes on. Of course children do all of that especially in public and they “humiliate the parent”. Am I a bad parent because I don’t respond to my child’s every cry? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to scream as loud as she can? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to run around and explore and be wild and be fearless? Am I a bad mother because I don’t believe in flu shots? Am I a bad mother because I laugh (as I am taking her away from the crime scene) when my daughter tries to open other kid's presents or when she fights over a toy?
A friend of mine referred me to her friend to come for a clairvoyant reading and got a surprising answer. Her friend remembered me and my “wild” child from an event and her respond was that she can’t go to someone who is a bad mother. “Her child was running everywhere and she was out of control, that’s not how children behave in my family” was her response. She saw me as a bad mother and because I am a “bad” mother, I can’t be a professional.
I am also aware that there are many parents who don’t take care of their children, who do not love, who deserve to stay away from their children but I am talking about our own self inflicted judgments about ourselves and what kind of parents we are supposed to be.
How about a parent who is present and who is capable of laughing when his child makes a scene in the street, how about a parent who understands that other people’s opinion doesn’t matter, a parent who knows that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is only you and what’s happening within your inner world. If you think you are not doing such a good job being a parent, look within and find the voice. Perhaps, you are simply trying to please everyone and you are trying fit within cultural expectations and perhaps, you are being hard on yourself. Sometimes, you will lose your temper and that’s OK, sometimes you will lose your patience and that’s OK, sometimes you will want to run away from your children and that’s OK, sometimes you will miss your child so much that when you see her next time, you will hold her tight until she runs away from you, sometimes, you would want to spend all day with your children and it wouldn't be enough.
We simply do our best and we are simply human.

www.clairvoyantcounseling.com
http://healingmaster.blogspot.com/

Guest MommaPlay Writer: Nicola Ries-Taggart!

One Moment In Time

Written by: Nicola Ries-Taggart

www.executivemomscoach.com

The life of a mom is full of various moments — some wonderful, some not-so-wonderful, and many in-between.

I have found that in the midst of having a new baby (already 8 weeks old!!), I am constantly reminded that each interaction is simply one moment in time. Each day, hour and minute are just a compilation of moments in time. Moments in which I hope and plan to be a long, long timeline of my life.

It’s easy when the baby is up to nurse in the middle of the night, or my four year old is asking me the same question for the 100th time while the baby is screaming, or I have to change my shirt (again) after being spit up on right before walking out the door to feel like these not-so-wonderful moments will be my moments (and life) forever.

But they won’t. Just as the wonderful moments are simply here to enjoy and cherish as they come today. Tomorrow is a new day. A new day which will be full of many more moments in time.

As I find my mind wandering off about work rather then being present with my children or I find my frustration rising as the baby won’t fall (or stay) asleep easily for nap, I choose to remind myself that this too shall pass…and if I am not careful, it will pass before I know it and I’ll be wishing longingly for just one more moment in this time of my life.

Guest MommaPlay Writer: Nicola Ries-Taggart!

Practicing Compassion…on Yourself

By: Nicola Ries-Taggart; Coach, Mama, Speaker and Writer

I am a compassionate person. I know I am. If my best friend called me right now and told me about the frustrations of her day or her insecurities about herself as a mother or business professional, I’d be the first to tell her I know she’s doing an excellent job — the best she can — and that she is being too hard on herself.

But today was one of those days when having compassion for myself was not so easy. In fact, I have a whole long list of things I should or shouldn’t have done.

• I shouldn’t have let me daughter watch so much TV.
• I should have come up with a creative project to do with my daughter.
• I should have interacted more with the baby.
• I shouldn’t have laid down for that 20 minute nap.
• I should have been more focused during the brief amount of time I had for work.
• I shouldn’t have eaten that pumpkin bread…or those cookies…or the rest of my daughter’s cookie.
• I should have written a blog entry yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
• I shouldn’t have spent that money on the pumpkin bread and cookie we didn’t need.
• I should have made a better dinner.
• I should have gotten the house tidied up.

Ok, you get the picture. I’ve been “shoulding” on myself all day long. Not to mention I haven’t been cutting myself any slack. And what I have found is that I am not alone.

I was talking with a high-level executive with a large company the other day who was beating herself up for all that she hasn’t done in her job over the past year since having twins. She returned from maternity leave with the plan to be SUPERMOM. She would continue operating in her fast-paced position as she had before kids, while at the same time being the perfect mom and wife. Not surprisingly, she was completely overwhelmed and feeling terrible about where she was in her career.

Although we identified some concrete steps for her to take to communicate honestly with her boss about how she was feeling, regain her focus in her current job, potentially begin looking for a new job that was more family-friendly and she enjoyed more, the first thing I asked her to do was have some compassion for herself. She had survived the first year of life with twins and was feeling good about her role as a mother and still had a strong marriage to speak of. She’s obviously been doing some things right and, I am convinced, doing the best she could.

When I asked her what she would tell her best friend if she had been in the same situation, she knew immediately that she would tell her she’s been doing a great job and that perhaps she has too high of expectations for herself.

So why is it that we can so easily and effortlessly provide compassion for those around us, but not for ourselves?

I work with women who are high-achieving, successful, productive, competent, professional and driven. Up until the point they have kids, these qualities have gotten them where they are in their career. Once they have kids, these qualities don’t just go away. In fact, for many, they intensify. The expectations and standards we put on ourselves in both our professional lives and our personal lives are at a level so high that we either feel like we are failing if we aren’t meeting them or we are overwhelmed and exhausted if we are (or at least trying to).

Tonight I am practicing compassion…on myself. My husband can tell me until he’s blue in the fact how great of job he thinks I am doing (which I appreciate) and I know that if I called my best friend right now and told her about my day she would also have compassion. But most importantly is that I cut myself some slack. I know that if I did (or didn’t do) all those things I listed above day after day that I would not be where I want to be in life. But I also know that it’s okay to have a day when the TV is on more and you aren’t as interested in playing with the kids and the dinner is just a simple meal on the table and you don’t get done more for work and you eat some sweets and the house doesn’t look so clean.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am doing the best I can. Now it’s time to cut myself some slack with a glass of wine!

Tips for practicing compassion in your own life:

1. Consider whether you are trying to be SUPERMOM and what exactly that looks like to you. Is it time to redefine success in your life and create an image of SUPERMOM that is much more manageable (and fun)?
2. When you find yourself beating yourself up for something you did or didn’t do, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it now?” If not, move on. If so, make a plan to do it different from that point on.
3. Determine whether the thing (or things) you are beating yourself up for are every-once-in-awhile things or actual bad habits that you want to change. If they are habits you want to change, make a plan and ask for help in sticking to it.
4. Play the “what would I say to my best friend” game. If you find you would be understanding and compassionate to your best friend if they were in the same situation then you know you are being too hard on yourself.
5. Consider what you are modeling for your kids. If you don’t cut yourself any slack then don’t be surprised if you notice your own children being extra hard on themselves.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about being compassionate with yourself. Do you find it easy or challenging? Any additional tips on how to practice more self compassion?

For More information on Nicola Ries-Taggart, Coach, Writer, Mom, and Guest Speaker:

www.executivemomscoach.com

nicola@trueinsightscoaching.com

i love you and i SEE you

i am a big fan of love. i love hallmark cards- and mushy movies. i have always been a hopeless romantic so to speak-

one thing i have grown to remember that love is more then just a hallmark card. it is in the moments in which we want to run and hide ....blame and contract that LOVE really really serves its purpose.

i have grown to realize that loving and SEEING are essential. not only as parents but how we love ourselves. to love and SEE the person and SEE ourselves- without expectation that the other "will be what we want them to be" is humbling- and quite frankly out of the NORM in which we have been conditioned to love.

being a parent has gifted me with this. i may have a challenge at times in accepting that i do not own my daughter, nor can i love her and WANT her to be "what i want her to be"

our children come in with their own path. they come in...knowing who they are. we give them little credit. we feel as if we are the ones to "tell them who they are" but i question that with a playful heart. are we? or are we the ones to guide, support and SEE them. SEE who they are without our own projection and expectations on what they should be?

when i am loved and seen it is a tremendous feeling . i am blessed enough to have FELT this and i am deeply grateful.

it gifted me with the understanding that love is not "hoping someone will change." or love is not "intending them to be what we want them to be"

love is seeing someone for all that they are.

there is not grey area here

our children are asking us to see them AND love them

this sets us free...gives us permission to love and SEE ourselves...without expectation, without judgment.

to simply be.

be who we are....

Awesome Radio Guest!

I am honored and delighted to interview author and stay at home dad, Ron Mattocks on our radio show!

 Date August 1 2009.  2:30 PT 

Check him out!

Ron Mattocks is an award-winning writer and a father of five (three sons and two stepdaughters). After stints in the Army and corporate America, he found himself in the unique role of stay-at-home dad. He has a degree in English Literature from St. Edwards University, and his work can be found in various publications to include Sloth Jockey,Prodigal Magazine and HumorPress.com, as well as having been read on public radio. He also covers fatherhood issues for the Examiner and on his blog, Clark Kent’s Lunchbox. Ron lives in Houston, Texas with his wife Ashley who continually mocks his taste in music.

More information:

http://clarkkentslunchbox.blogspot.com/2007/06/sugar-milk-what-one-dad-drinks-when-he.html

Playward radio

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Playward

Featured Guest Writer: Irina Gyulumyan Writer and Spiritual Parenting Coach

Parenting from joy

I was talking to a friend of mine who is absolutely obsessed about organic foods, chemicals and doing everything right. I am also mindful of type of foods I put into my body and of course type of food my child is eating but her obsession was beyond food, she wanted to do everything perfectly. She would ask me as an intuitive if her daughter is OK? Is she having a good time? Is she healthy enough? Does she think I am a good mother? This was creating stress in her life, her obsession to do everything perfectly was making her tired and unhappy.
The amusing thing was that her daughter was fine and she was having a great time. My friend at the other hand had forgotten to look within and listen to herself, she was constantly relying what books say, what pediatrician says, what other people had to say etc. She was looking outside of herself to find answers. Her goal was to create a joyful life for her family full of laughter and exploration while within she was frustrated. 
In order to find joy and parent from a space of joy, you need to find it within yourself. First step is start looking within, you have all your answers, we all have an innate knowledge of how to be a mother, a father, an aunt etc and it is beyond books. It lays within you waiting to be discovered. 
Parenting from joy starts within, we parent from example. You may say the words, the right things to your child but if you are not following what you preach, no one will. Start by looking within and allow your light to shine, find your joy about life, about being a parent. Allow your intuition to open and trust what you know.

"Ultimate success comes from experiencing and listening to our hearts, our environment, our spirits, and those that we trust are saying to us. Freedom from what others dictate is right and wrong and their opinion on what works and what doesn't gives us wings to fly and experience life in a whole new way."

Mallika Chopra

More information about Irina:

irinagyulumyan@gmail.com

http://healingmaster.blogspot.com/

Trust and momma-hood (article written by Jenny Ward for Todaysmama.com

      So often throughout pregnancy and new baby-hood, mothers are bombarded with ways in which to “be.” I value learning however I feel as a society we have forgotten one valuable ASSET we have as mothers, our GUT.

Having a new baby and entering into motherhood is full of emotions, newness, humbleness and confusion. It brings to the surface ideas we may have been carrying with us that need to be playfully examined. For instance, “Am I doing this right? Why can’t I do it like she does? Will I be a good mom? Can I work and be a mom? Will I ever get my body back? Will I ever sleep?” These surface not to be judged, but to be FELT and then released. It is a natural to FEEL a variety of things. It is natural to question, however sometimes the most important thing within these questions is to TRUST and LOVE us.

      Sometimes it is simple. Instead of running to the phone to call and ask someone, be still and breathe. Ask yourself first. Innately, we know what is “best” for our child. It may not be in a book or have been shared by an “expert” however our children are asking us to trust ourselves. It is something that they are in need of learning themselves. We cannot tell them to “love who they are” we can only LOVE ourselves. Be the role model, not the lecturer. Demonstrate not tell. As a new mother, the one gift you have is yourself. Your body knew how to create life, and your soul and heart know how to raise and guide this beautiful being. Seek advice, yet do not feel as if others KNOW your child more then you. Even more importantly, honor that your child has his/her own gut and is expressing himself/herself to you in each moment. Honor it. Hear it, and encourage them to listen to their own bodies. Cry when they are hungry, not when it is scheduled. Crawl when they are ready to crawl, not when they “should” be. Our children will always show us, through example who they are, and how to listen to our bodies and own intuition. Celebrate this, and see this as a gift that is being offered to you, to always embrace your own intuition and wisdom.

Your body has the wisdom and so does your heart. Raise your child with the awareness that the answers you seek sometimes are not outside of you- in fact, take a moment to hold your child, listen to their signs and you will witness what LIFE is about.

Trust life, and play with the magnificence of your own inner wisdom. Enjoy each and every moment that gives you another opportunity to trust yourself and BE that role model, not only to your child, but also to the world. Motherhood does not come with a manual, so it is joyfully up to you to write it. Write it with glee. Fall down, and get back up again without beating yourself up. Be graceful and honor that you and your child are always going to be teachers for one another on how to play your OWN way.

Peace begins with a smile.

Mother Teresa

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

~ W. H. Auden

It is not your job to create a person; your child already is one.-Naomi Aldort Phd.

i love you....MORE

my mom was just here for a visit. there was one night where my daughter wanted her nana to put her to bed...i sat downstairs drinking my tea and overheard a beautiful song. my mom was singing to my daughter. for that moment, i realized the sanctity of motherhood. it is in THESE moments where life truly is. the subtleties of just a song, can ease and nurture in ways i had forgotten to do FOR MYSELF.

my mother and i have had a journey, we all have. but the gift she continues to gift me with is LOVE. she is willing to love...no matter what. which brings me to my playful point.

when we are hurt. when we do not agree. when we are feeling threatened or judged by others, what do we DO?

this is not about submitting or taking "abuse" of any kind- 

what i am asking is ...can we LOVE ...in these times?

when my daughter has said something that was "hurtful" or has acted out or threw a fit because she cannot have her own shopping cart in wholefoods, can i LOVE her more then? 

too often we are taught to withhold love. especially in the times where we may disagree or feel especially vulnerable.

i have learned the past year about my patterns in all relationships and have humbly looked at myself. DEAD ON.

i am a big fan of love

and it is SO SO SO easy to love in the easeful bliss moments,

but what about the messy ones?

can we love then? more importantly can we love ourselves then too? love that maybe we are afraid? afraid to be vulnerable and seen or just simply do not have the tools to say "i have no idea what to say, and you hurt me, however i am going to STAY in this moment with my heart wide open, and LOVE "

because in love- there is no reason to be right. because in love- you SEE the beauty in all people- even IF they are choosing something that may not be "right or good or what you would do, or even downright hurtful"

sometimes it just the LOVE that we feel for them/ourselves that sets US Free.

to play.

i want to love my daughter MORE in the moments when she throws a fit, or disagrees with me..or does things i may not agree with.

love will not be taken from...

only increased

for her, myself and all others...

this is where change begins

this is peace

and of course

PLAY

"your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding" Kahlil Gabran

rockin mommas

i am always intrigued by how much we want to resist pain. childbirth is a great example. we view the pain of giving birth as bad- however through the pain comes an incredible being...a gift.

i used to run from pain until i gave birth. i realized the potential in allowing my body to feel it- and what was on the other side of it...

was more gratitude- more life- a beautiful child and endless potential of what my body can do.

miracles.

this is just one area- but in life there are many experiences that bring the feeling of sadness and pain. it aint fun to be in those times, however, when we allow ourselves to feel it, there is another side.

maybe a deeper understanding of a lesson that was needed to be seen/healed. maybe a deeper love of life...maybe peace.

we are all different which ROCKS- but we are also all the same.

when my daughter falls and gets a boo boo she wants me to kiss it better....

i wonder what the world would look like if as moms we asked others to help us ...support us...and love us in those moments of pain.

i believe in our potential- i believe that in order to demonstrate to our children what it FEELS like to be supported we need to experience for ourselves.

pain, joy, confusion, frustration all have their place.

we are human beings that go through this thing called life to DISCOVER more about who we are; just like our children do.

why is it that at times, we forget to kiss our own boo boo's? 

my hope for the world..and for all you mommas is that you embrace your feelings- ask for love and support in the boo boo times and RECEIVE the kisses that make you feel better

this is the very essence of unconditional love...

and it starts from within...

forGIVE

when i was younger, i always had a soft spot for the underdog- the "geeks or nerds" they were labeled or the ones who never really got a chance to participate. i was blessed to be called on "first" in all gym activities and had numerous friends and things i enjoyed. looking back, i see why i felt such a deep well of empathy for those who were "left out"- in some ways, i was left out too.

our exterior may not always be ALL that we are. most people have always viewed me as outgoing and happy- positive and joyful- which is true. but there have been times in my life where i have felt deep pain, anger, sadness and confusion about how others have treated me. 

what i want to joyfully explore is how we react to life? what we do when we are the underdog or the last ones to be called. we have all been there, but it is how we react to these moments of life that are our greatest teachers.

are we victims to life? is life happening to us, or are we here to learn from our experiences..see what it is teaching us about parts of ourselves?

too often i come across mothers who judge how they mother, or are always feeling inadequate on some level regarding their mothering space.

too often we feel we are just not "enough"- and i would like to dive into another way of seeing ourselves- not only as moms, but as whole beings.

we did not come here with a manual- we came here to learn and discover - 

some things in our lives we may regret or wish we did differently, but they happened in order for us to for GIVE and GIVE back to ourselves in new ways.

one things parenting gives to us is the feeling of unconditional love. no matter WHAT we love our children- i wonder if its possible for us to love ourselves in this way? to hold that nurturing space for forgiveness and love no matter what- 

no matter what our dress size is, or how we looked that day ,felt that day, acted etc.

forgiving is an act of giving out love. to others and ourselves

i wonder what our world would look like if we all took a moment to be more gentler on ourselves. to value that we are all enough- and that life is not meant to be done perfectly. that learning is life...

i wonder what our children would see if we all loved ourselves as much as we love them. provided a space for ourselves to express, feel, fall and get back up- like we for them. what would this demonstrate to them?

i hear more often then not, mothers focusing on what they need to do better. i wonder what playdates would look like if we celebrated ourselves more like we celebrated our children?

with each new "step" we congratulate ourselves for showing up...to the unknown of motherhood.

with grace

and forgiveness....

and humor.

i wonder...

Whole Mama

more and more i understand the dialogue between women. women who choose to "work" outside the home and women who choose to work inside the home. either way, we are in this boat together and so often we separate. we read books on "mommy wars" and place one another in categories so to speak.

i am writing with the playful hope that we begin to see the similarities within the labels. that we understand AS WOMEN that we are not alone. that our choices are our choices, and there is no right or wrong in that.

before i had my daughter, i had my own beliefs around motherhood. the only aspect or role i had to look at was my own mother, which at the time, i had a mixed relationship with. however, after having my daughter all things changed for me internally. i began to look at my limiting ideas around mothering, and heal and VALUE my own mothers choice. 

it is a dance. i am no way proposing that i have it all figured out , for as all mothers can say, it is a continuous process ...it never stops. GUILT is taught. and boy, do we know how to take that lesson on. 

we feel guilty if we choose to "stay at home"- or we feel guilt if we choose to "work outside the home" what i want to propose is we are always working. our job as mothers, never ends- no matter "where" we choose to work. we are always working on how to navigate being whole- doing what our hearts want, and also providing a nurturing, solid foundation for our children. we are always working on how to manage time- be present - and create safety for all involved at home.

i have to say- i am in awe of women. i am in awe of how much WE CAN navigate- and also how little we can (at times) forget to nurture ourselves.

my mother shared with me that she wishes she brought me up the way i am raising my daughter- and for the first time i stated

" you did an incredible job mom"

for she did. she loved me. she still loves me. she wanted what is best for me. and she still wants what is best for me.

we may go about it "differently" but the underlying THEME is the same

so where is it - where is that FINE line of providing love- for another and also making sure we take care of ourselves?

my daughter is 3 years young, however has gifted me with MORE lessons then i EVER dreamnt possible. one being that I am a role model for her. does mommy lose herself? does mommy put herself LAST on the list? does mommy live authentically- or does she accomodate for others? how does mom talk to people? how does mom handle stress? does my mommy play? can my mommy be present?

no pressure:)

but it is something that is useful. humbling, but true. we are always learning. if we allow ourselves to OPEN up to learning from our "mistakes" in life and view them as valuable LIFE TOOLS to move forward, then life is our playground.

i do believe that being a whole person is essential in providing a solid foundation for our children. this meaning, how we are in the world- not living FOR our children, but LOVING them- guiding them- supporting them- listening to them- 

our world can begin to create a generation of children who trust themselves. who value wholeness as opposed to separatism and fragmentation.

if i can be me- in ALL areas of my life- i am putting out a red carpet for my daughter to experience and see how important it is to always be yourself. 

not be one way at work

or another way with my partner

or another way with my child..etc.

to create a life- that encompasses all aspects of me- 

i do not have the answers for processing the guilt. at times i do not want to go to teach, and just want to BE with my daughter. what i have realized is to share this with her.

"ya know sweetie, mama doesnt feel like teaching right now, but i am going to do this. it is important i go for it supports our family"

in stead of pretending and hiding my feelings" mommy is going to go and is so excited about it"

to negate my truth- negates her truth

it teaches her to hide her feelings and act as if "it is okay"

and that is not benefiting her, me or the world, for we all know that sometimes we just dont want to do things.

and yet we need to

to be honest is what sets the tone for our children to be honest with themselves. and even though they may "have to do" things, that at least they are not PRETENDING.

for this is what has perpetuated our society into what we are doing now.

pretending

just pretend it is okay

or just dont show them how you feel..

or just fit in.

mamas, being whole involves being honest with ourselves. of course we do not need to share ALL details with our children but we can definately be honest...with OURSELVES.

that is a great place to start.

lets play.